I noticed sometime ago that I was added to a group on Facebook. You know how suddenly you discover you are in some groups that one random person added you to and for months I never really checked them out until sometime last week. It is supposed to be a ladies group that offers support and I came about the following written by someone.
“I have dated my boyfriend for 5 years now but he has not proposed. When he got a better job, I reminded him about us but he said I should give him time that he has plans ,he had plans 6 months had gone and we are still living together and splitting the house rent.I insisted on him taking the next step or I leave the relationship.,but he pleaded with me to buy myself the engagement ring while he refund me at the end of the month.I asked him if he will propose if I buy the ring and he said yes/I finally bought myself a ring and gave him which he did the drama and proposed and I accepted ,but when I told him the price of the ring which #190k),he asked me to return it.I asked him if he was disengaging me and he said no, I should get a cheaper ring so he reengage me.Please what do you all think?It is beginning to look like a child’s play”
Just before you begin to cast the first stone, maybe we should just examine ourselves and how in so many different ways we may have done what the lady is doing. Somehow it seems it is the ladies that are ready to do all sorts to make a relationship work and while I am not against the fact that there is a need to give in in some ways or the other,it is necessary that we do not go overboard and do what I call “bending over” .
When we were in the University, some male folks in my Christian campus fellowship were beneficiaries of what we call the “cooler ministry”. For those of us who may not be familiar with this term, it practically means that these brothers had food supplied to them in coolers by ladies in the fellowship. Some of these ladies were not in relationship with them but saw it as a way of ministering to their needs, after all these brothers were spending time in the word(or supposedly so) and would not have the time to do things such as cooking .I remember visiting a room of some brothers one day and I saw so many different colours of cooler and wondered to myself how many of these coolers have been brought by ladies whose roommates are starving but they preferred to sow the seed of kindness somewhere else.Of course as human beings we don’t usually do this without the prospect of future gain . What I didn’t really like then was when these brothers ate from several coolers and had a secret babe in the fellowship. What was interesting was that the girl they eventually ended up with hardly did anything! I think that the love a man has for a lady is not generally generated by doing things and helping him out with money and all that. I am a proponent of “the wife is good”and not “the girl is good”.I am not against being hospitable. If there is something that I can boast of is the fact that nobody ever came to my house and left hungry.
Though I remember I had one brother friend in my class who I noticed after sometime that he came to my house on a daily basis for his dinner. The annoying thing about this was I lived off campus , when lectures were over, I walked back home and started preparing the evening meal. I lived with a room mate and had another flatmate who was also a classmate. We usually cooked together. This guy would sort of time when the meal will be ready and turn up with some interesting gist and when it was time for food, we always gave him a portion. This continued for a while but this guy never brought anything. Even when we were in the class, there was not a “let me buy you a bottle of coke”, rather most times , all I heard was how he sowed seeds to different needs in his church.
I was not interested but I was amazed at his selfishness as it appeared he left our house and then went to read. I am not against eating over at a friend’s place but when we do it without even reciprocating ,then it may be a case of taking their kindness for granted and you as the lady may be bending over. Well, what did I do in that situation? I decided that I had had enough as this was just a modified version of the cooler ministry! So one day, he came over as usual after lectures to my place and of course, we were cooking. When the meal was ready, I told my other flatmate not to serve food yet. This guy chatted and chatted severally till it got dark and perhaps got the message that no food was coming. After sometime he excused himself and left and I tell you , he really left. He never came back again to visit!
If we do not actually check ourselves in a relationship, we may find ourselves doing what this lady is doing. There is really no need to make all the effort when the handwriting on the wall is obvious to all but us as we sometimes foolishly make excuses for a non-participatory partner in a relationship. Just like this lady, a friend of mine also practically sponsored all of the wedding, she paid for everything and her husband who was actually working then had one reason or the other not to contribute . Sadly this continued after they got married . He had reasons not to go shopping with her promising to reimburse after the purchase.It was a relationship which should never have gone beyond the courting stage but it eventually ended up in a divorce.
By the time one buys the ring then it is a point of who is engaging who and that is why it makes it easy for a man to walk away. The point I am getting to today is by the time we start bending over beyond what we should do,we will eventually turn bitter in the end with feelings of frustration. A relationship gotten by bending over will have to be maintained by bending over.I may not be able to say categorically that this and that is bending too much but we all have our radar of feelings and when what is supposed to be mutual becomes one-sided,perhaps it is time to call ourselves to a big meeting.
A relationship may be great by our assessment but if a guy is not interested, sister there is no need to waste your time. A woman’s love alone cannot carry a marriage.And if a guy has been truthful enough to tell you he is not interested in marriage, please hold your head high and walk away. There will always be one guy out there whose prayer when he meets you is to wake up to your smiling face.
I reiterate that there are times in a relationship where we surely have to go out of our way but if we are constantly bending over in a bid to start a relationship or keep it, we may do this all the days of our life and may soon find ourselves in an abusive relationship.
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