Is this love, is this love is this love, is this love that I’m feeling

Is this love, is this love, is this love, is this love that I ‘m feeling

I had a lot of butterflies when my husband eventually came and I believed that the love we shared would conquer all the storms and difficulties that may come our way. I believed that we had learnt a lot, done several counselling sessions and when the D-day came, I was over the moon. Finally, I had a man I could call my own and we were in love. I hate to say that I barely had a proper honeymoon as the quarrelling in my home and misunderstanding started barely two weeks we started living together  as man and wife .

This song kept playing and I began wondering if there was something different about the love myself and my spouse were experiencing. This was not love and a far cry from what I had been promised. Most books said the Honeymoon stage would last at least 2 years but mine lasted barely 2 weeks.

I have heard some people say they have never quarrelled with their spouses and while I am not here to check the truthfulness of such statements,

I would be the first to admit that I have had quarrels in my home. Sometimes I have raised my voice so loudly and could not even recognize myself . Most times, I have acted out, because of frustration.  Some of the things I have watched in movies and vowed would never happen in my home have happened.  I have surprised myself. My ideal marriage is a far cry from my reality. I had thought with all the marriage seminars, messages, books, other people’s experiences e.t.c   I was equipped with enough information to have a smooth sail. How wrong was I?

During courtship, my husband was quite open and receptive to a lot of my ideas and we agreed on a lot of things so I thought marriage will be a perfect landing ground for all the things we agreed on. It was very easy for us to make most decisions, we had a lot of things sorted out ON PAPER during courtship and  I had played out how our marriage will be a zillion times in my mind during courtship and I was positive despite any hitch it will be well .

During courtship we discussed being open about everything including finance, I made sure he knew what I was earning and how I spent my money but alas we got  married and any question about his job, or finance was met with icy replies. He knew questions about his job definitely would lead to his finances so he discouraged further questions with cold replies. I felt duped. During courtship, he was struggling financially so I never asked questions about his finances, what he earned bla bla because I was sensitive to what he was going through at the time, a move I regret now. This has been a cause of conflict in my home, asking about his finances is like walking on egg shells. If I had asked questions during courtship maybe he would have gotten used to sharing the information.

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I am ashamed to say my husband and I fought over several things I thought we sorted out during courtship and also on matters we had not considered before. While I had ready answers and solutions to almost everything, he took a head in the sand approach (this is my own opinion though) that was extremely frustrating. Sometimes it felt like every time a decision was to be made, the atmosphere in the home changed and I wondered  do we have to make a decision on everything can’t we just flow with the tide. It wasn’t long before my husband started accusing me of not being submissive, he said I wanted to be the one running the home. That was the last thing I wanted to do.

There are times in my home I have wondered how I fell in love and wondered if perhaps I was the only one who fell in love. While I do not want you to think I am a saint, I will be the first to tell you that over the years, I have not perceived my husband to like me, talkless of love me . I have come to a point where I feel like he would rather have me leave and it is indeed a terrible feeling.

Over and over, I have asked myself if I was desperate and so got deceived but that has not been the case. There was a way and manner the courtship went and I never felt I would wake up in my own home this way.

I have asked that we return to counselling to help our marriage but he does not believe we have a problem and that in itself is one of the biggest obstacles to any progress in our relationships . I am beginning to think that churches should not only have the pre-marital counselling as compulsory but there should also be mandatory post -marital counselling with yearly updates.

I cannot go on this way and so I have decided to detach emotionally from the whole situation. Pray for me, it must have been love but I doubt what it is now.

Isioma