When it ends

O girl, I’m sorry

Your;re not my kind of girl …

O girl, I’m sorry

You’re  not my kind of girl …

You’re Not My Kind of Girl

 New Edition

I am not sure if you remember the chorus of  this hit  “You are Not my kind of girl”  by New Edition  but it was one of those songs that was so good to dance to but not be told. When it comes to the matter of love, no one likes to be rebuffed. And love songs in general are one of the most sang songs because many people can relate. Whether it is about new love, lost love , or continuing love, almost any day , one can be sure of an audience.

“Someone like you” by Adele  resonated with so many people. Almost everyone has had the pain of heartbreak no matter how someone else might try to trivialize it. I am not talking about those relationships which one gleefully ends but the ones that looked so promising (as far as you thought). Just about when the inflated balloon wanted to fly, a league of demons gathered with a sack full of pins to deflate it. I am also referring to some relationships that sadly ended even before it started.

While I want to agree that it is not every relationship that would eventually lead to marriage, the way we end a relationship should be with some form of respect and dignity to the other person. Surely no matter how crappy they may have been, they have also invested some time and energy in the relationship, and the way we break it can sometimes mar them for life. Unfortunately, I have seen some people never recover from a breakup. It looked like they had built all their life and hopes around someone else and could never ever envisage a future without them. Sadly after the breakup and dreams of being a “Mrs” dashes, the center no longer holds and with broken self-esteem, they never really pull through.

The pain of a breakup and all of the drama can be more bearable with the help of other friends, hence it is wise not to ignore other friends because of a relationship with the opposite sex. Generally, as women usually when a friend gets a breakup, we offer our shoulders to them lean on, and over the years, I have done a bit of offering my shoulders and tell you that I have been amazed at some of the “Goodbye” messages that some of our menfolk(brothers included ) have left. I read recently in a forwarded text to me about the need for people to have a “wordnet” essentially filtering out certain negative words and phrases before they are spoken. This wisdom can also be applied to the choice of goodbye words and phrases. Some words have sent some people into a mental ward while others never recover from prison within.

Someone told me at one time something in the lines of  “Well, after all, we have not slept with each other… and this relationship has to end”. What was painful was the manner and where it was said. It was said on the streets of my university campus and close to my Part 1 MBBS (medical ) examinations. I  had a big meeting with myself, to put everything behind me and concentrated all my energies on the examinations that determined my stay in the medical school and yes I passed.

There was another one which happened to be a relationship I ended. It was a very difficult thing for me then as I am big on commitment but following proper assessment of the relationship(I had said yes to a proposal here ), I knew to go ahead was to say yes to a later divorce and so I asked the guy to come down for a chat. We ended the painful visit and he seemed to have taken it graciously. I escorted him to the park and he was even lip saying “I love you” as the bus drove away. Had I made a mistake, it was with a heavy heart I returned back to my room.

Well, it wasn’t too long that I found out I had not. When he got back to his station, he gave me a call and said “Well,….(called my name&surname) it was good while it lasted but now it is over, I am glad because I have actually been wondering if you can give birth to any children as you are always complaining you are tired …”.For real, yes I heard those words and thanked my God I took the decision.

These horrible goodbye words can also come from toasters who are too proud to admit that you are not interested. To be honest, if you find yourself saying yes to everyone, there is a problem. I think sometimes the problem is some people find it difficult to actually not be in a relationship at any particular time. It is like there is always a need for someone else and sometimes, this might just be self-esteem issues

.So there was this guy  who was toasting at one time with a string of titles.To introduce himself,he said  “I am Evangelist,journalist, politician……”.Well when he eventually got to the point , I simply said “No”. I was surprised at the terrain and string of abusive text messages that followed. Later I accosted him as to his behaviour and he simply retorted that he was pained at the rejection.

I thought that was bad until a friend told me that someone who had been toasting her sister without success did not want to bow away graciously. Rather than following a refusal, he said to her “Well, I was warned but did not listen, I was told that your spirit husband will not allow you see the good in me, so I am not surprised “.Honestly, I think some brothers really need to take a course in “breaking a relationship” or “receiving a refusal graciously”.

Before I leave, and the guy folks accuse me of being partial,

one of my friends actually said to me that his first girlfriend ended the relationship with an excuse that left him devastated. I was curious to find out what she said and he said she ended the relationship with the reason being “I want to have a mother-in law and since your mother is dead, I cannot marry you”. For goodness sake!

PS: If you have to end a relationship after considering and weighing issues, there are several ways to do it graciously and if you are a female, try to do it in a neutral place or your own home. There have been incidences of rape in a guy’s house where a girl tried to break a relationship, I am not saying this is what will happen but it might as not everyone responds properly to rejection, and if your assessment of a relationship has fallen below the mark, no need to add rape to the things that went wrong. A word is enough for those who choose to be wise and learn from the experiences of others.