2019 was a year that started in the basket of euphoria, filled with so many dreams and aspirations from business expansion to career advancement, etc. I am someone who personally loves to strategize and figure out things way in advance of realization. I am someone who believes so much in principles and formulas in the sense that you’ve got to have all structures to guarantee success.
While I had all that in mind, little did I know that God’s plan for me would be a year of shaking, pruning and training of total reliance on him. Following the personal loss, I faced in 2017 and the struggles of 2018, I was hoping I would get a break in 2019 and just rest and enjoy the year.
However, in January 2019, I heard a word from the Holy Spirit specifically warning me to be careful about my health. Initially, I paused and wondered why my health would be targeted as all seemed okay.
Well in February 2019, boom! We (my hubby and I ) had the first hit with the loss of our business contract. It was a very devastating experience (anxiety, depression, and pain) as our entire savings and part-funded loan went into that business which provided a source of income. Being on maternity leave as at then made it more difficult to cope with. We tried other business channels to generate an income but all to no avail until the point we couldn’t even sell the business neither the equipment nor the machinery. For one second I thought to myself and asked numerous questions “Were we wrong to start this business? Did we carry out a proper feasibility study or risk management? Was the timing wrong? What didn’t we do right? How do we get out of debt?
Like so many of us, irrespective of any loss we encounter ( child, relationship, career, business, etc) we are too quick to jump into the self- blame game and believe we missed it along the line even if we did everything right. The blame game continued which made things worse as we couldn’t let go. Minutes, seconds, hours, days and months passed and we were still in the mirage or falsehood that this wasn’t the end.
By May 2019, I had to cut short my maternity leave and return to work, as my family had to be reliant on one source of income. So many questions filled my head especially about how we were going to survive on one income considering lots of expenditures, inclusive of the cost of child care. While I worried, God was teaching me an invaluable virtue of financial management. I learned how to prioritize, end the behavior of impulse shopping and be less wasteful. One thing I have learned over the years in my walk with God is that he brings out the beauty in every mess.
It may be one seemingly little thing but very valuable for your life’s path and journey. For me, restoration can only truly begin with the ability to see the good in every mess. While the path might be painful, depressing and teary, there is still a positive lesson to take away from every bitter experience.
October 2019 we needed a bulk sum of funds for a project- we scratched through every credit card we had access to but all to no avail. Having been through the business loss we decided we would not borrow as we couldn’t afford to and trust God to provide.
December 2019 we received help from a friend, free of charge and at no cost to pay back. While flipping through the year we realized that the funds the friend provided was around the amount we intended to sell our business for of which we couldn’t. The beauty of God is that he restores, while we lost our business, he raised helpers of destiny to restore what we lost.
Although 2019 was financially challenging, we never lacked, everything we needed was just enough and provided for at the right time. God sent help our way in diverse ways that surpassed our expectations. Our path towards restoration began when we decided to let go and not focus our attention on the losses. For every worry, heartache, panic attacks, the Holy Spirit kept saying we should let go as hard as it seemed. But our yielding and obedience to that word paved the way to receiving the help that we needed. My key discovery is that God balances the books and irrespective of how teary and painful the year started, it ended in joy.
Looking back at 2019 I ask myself,
so why did I worry in the first place, why did I let it affect my health, why did I find myself in hospital on multiple occasions due to anxiety, stress and breathlessness when God had figured out the end. I worried over the business, I worried over the struggle faced in changing jobs, I worried over being stuck on a job that caused me severe depression.
At the end of the year, God delivered me from that job through redundancy and provided another. The beauty of restoration positioned and aligned me better towards the news of my redundancy and job loss as I knew GOD was going to work it all out in my favour. Although we may want to look for a logical reason for everything, God prefers us to trust and rest in the assurances of his love and grace even when the reason for an outcome is unknown.
As I look ahead to 2020 as my year of rest and exploits, I have decided I would not worry over anything irrespective of any challenge that might come my way. And I say to you dear friend, in this new year relax because mental health problems are very real. Rest in God’s love, see that loss of relationship, job, finance, etc as a set up for a comeback and God would visit in due time.
For me its Hakunamatata ( no worries). See you at the top in the new year.