Love,  Relationship skills,  Romance

After the Break Up

 

How do you know when it is time to “let it go”?

We experience various scenarios when it comes to relationship dynamics, which can get a little bit confusing. I mean being on our own can be complicated at best, then we add other people to the mix and that just creates a whole lot of drama!

Now, I’ve heard people say that breakups usually happen for one of three reasons. Number one, you find yourself in a happy relationship and the other person just decides it’s over. Number two, you find yourself in a toxic relationship and you just have to leave. And finally number three, it just isn’t the right time and you both decide to leave. Now regardless of the reason, the experience in itself is painful to go through. When we think about the effort and time and energy that we put into our relationships that fail, it can get discouraging pretty quickly.

I can remember clearly my one and only experience going through a breakup. I was older than him, but I thought he was a great dancer and we were happy. Aside from that, I knew absolutely nothing about guys or relationships. And then it all came crashing down — we realised it just wasn’t the right time for us.

I’m embarrassed to say that I didn’t take the break up very well. I mean I understood the reason why; I understood that we weren’t ready for each other at that time, it just didn’t sink in that life would have to move on. I remember thinking

how dare you move to a different city for uni?!, Who do you think you are talking to other girls?!, What makes you think it will be the right time with them?!

So many of these questions were running through my mind at the time so I’m really not proud of the way I handled things back then. But what I will say is that, I’m grateful to have gone through that experience.

I won’t sugarcoat it, It will be difficult to see ahead while the dust settles after the break up. But rest assured, you will get to a point where letting things go becomes possible. I remember it was about one or two months after the break up, when my friend came up to me and told me that my ex was now seeing someone else. I expected to feel an onslaught of emotions but none of them came, I just felt nothing. It was then that it dawned on me that I’d finally let things go. I had finally moved on and wasn’t trying to “find out” everything going on in his life.

But in all honesty, there are two things I remember focusing on that helped me a lot. The first one being making sure I fully saw my situation for what it was. And I mean I really made sure I understood that it was a break up, that I understood the reason for the breakup and I understood that we were not getting back together any time in the future. And with this first thing in place, I found it easier to move forward, change directions and just start afresh.

The second thing was I had to check if I was reacting from a place of emotions or logic. And what I mean is when all those thoughts and questions of him speaking to other people came to mind, I had to ask myself if they were from an emotional or logical point of view. Is it logical to think that because you have dated somebody previously, they have no right or freedom to be their own person; to speak to whoever they choose to speak to? Simple things like that helped me to separate my emotions from things that were logical. It definitely helped me in letting go faster than people around me expected.

Over to you now. Have you ever gone through a break up? How long did it take you to realise that the relationship wasn’t going to work? And how did you deal with letting things go and moving on? I’m excited to hear from you in the comments below.

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