Father's Day,  Grief,  Parenting

For you,Daddy

Some years ago, as the month of June approached, I looked at the theme for the month. I thought about how I would appreciate my dad by talking about the things he did that I took for granted. I wish he was here and seeing my children around me makes me grateful that their dad is around. I wish I said more when my dad was around.

I still have something to say. I know I cannot tell you any more on this side of heaven but I wanted to let you know no Father’s Day has passed without thinking again about you. I think the best way is to write to you, somehow this brings me comfort

 

Dear Daddy,

My sons brought home father’s day cards for dad.  It made me think of you – your death still hurts.  It will be 10 years next year since you left us.  Where has the time gone?  We are still standing, a testament to your care for us.  You always made us feel like everything would be alright.  I appreciate you so much more now than I did when we had you with us even though I did appreciate you then.  I did not know how much more I would but I do.  Your loss still hurts but thoughts of you warm my heart and I feel so proud to have had a dad like you.  You were a good example.  

You taught me not to be too people focused.  Not to be a crowd pleaser, you did this by example.  I now find myself not drawn to keeping up with the Jones’s.  I don’t rely on people to validate me or my feelings.  I can feel good just being me.  This has helped me to be strong in the face of all those who treat us differently now that you are gone.  So, it came as a surprise when some have taken pleasure to point out your failings; things that happened before I was born… It came as a surprise because we know their failings too and it does not matter to us because we love and honour you nevertheless; we know that you were only human too.  The surprise was if they thought it would matter!

You taught me not to live for a salary and even though at the moment I am, I am working hard to try to put some investments down.  I see how all the investments you and mum put down are running the household.  Still running the household, still bailing us out of tight spots.  My husband can also see this and it motivates him not to die in the salaried trap which ceases once one is no more. You would be proud of how some of us manage the business activities.

You taught me the value of living simply.  When I was having my registry marriage ceremony, you said we needed to be careful, not to overspend … I mumbled ok thinking ‘yeah right!’   I made hubby cough up money for a personal stylist and we did spend far more than you would have approved.  That was then.  These days, I have my budget down to the last dime even before I get paid, I know where it’s all going.

For the times you put mum first!  You gave her the cover she needed to feel secure.  You put our family first not allowing your family to destroy our home I remember the day like yesterday when they came barging through the door.  I was sent out and the shouting began.  That was the last time it ever happened!  Whatever you said must have worked.  They were not happy but they did not have free reign to do and undo.  I did not give it a second thought until decades later.  I never forgot that day but now that I am a wife I understand how important it was.

These are not all I have learned and I did not learn all these lessons during your lifetime but I have had challenges that have made me see the light and appreciate your wisdom. I have thought many times about you and wished I could tell you I understand this and that!  There are days I really wish I could talk to you and I miss you so.  I wish we had the chance to hear about your life story – your own version, say goodbye in a different way, wish you had attended my graduation ceremony, church wedding, wish you were here to meet my boys; your grandsons but God knows best.

Love you lots and happy father’s day xx

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