By Gracilis,  Relationship skills,  Single Life

Honourable Ex-es

Being in love is one of the greatest things that can happen to anyone and it can either bring out the best or the worst in us. Well we do not usually see the latter unless sometimes the whole love thing goes the wrong way. And there are several reasons why love could go the wrong way and all the declarations of love turn sour.

Two years ago during the pandemic. the forced Lockdown was cited as one of the causes for some breakups recently and no matter how much both parties will agree to the necessity of a breakup, one person is bound to be hit more emotionally and the backlash sometimes is unbelievable.

When I was an undergraduate ,someone  could decide to shame a fellow student  by paying another person to publicly pour a bucket of excreta on the person  in public. There were several rumours to why this could be done but the major suspect was the fact that the girl was probably an ex and the best way to humiliate her was to hire someone to literally pour a bucket of excreta aka “shit “ on her.

 I would leave you to imagine the shock and shame of having faeces poured on one for whatever reason . That is the length some people went those days and these days, the availability of guns have raised the bar to almost murder that for fear of their lives, some people would rather  remain in toxic relationships.

 Although not everyone would go that physical, some people would cause more harm by the words they use in describing their ex-partners , ensuring that they paint them so black that even the devil becomes a saint in comparison.

Being an ex itself is an unpleasant status  and bearing the name seems to transform people’s characters most times, making us  typically avoid the Ex as far as possible , from ex-girl(boy)friend to ex-wife(husband), as long as there has been some emotional involvement , getting involved could be really slippery and dangerous grounds.  It is also shocking sometimes to see the ex-es get back together while you suddenly then become the ex.Worse still is being caught in the cross fire of someone who is fighting not to become an ex.

Well that reminds me of how I was confronted several year ago by a supposed ex(security issues!)

 So I met a guy we could call Dele around my neighbourhood and from what he told me that day, it appeared like he was initially working in Port Harcourt (an oil rich city ) before relocating. He obviously made a good living there. He went on boasting to me about his numerous escapades by claiming that he really enjoyed his life. I do not deny that he was tall, dark and handsome but I was the least impressed by his stories. If a guy’s boast of the life he enjoyed was that of the number of ladies he was  able to get to bed  with, he  was not worth my time. I am not saying people are not allowed to have a past  but to seemingly boast of a past one should be ashamed of is unbecoming. Well he asked me some questions and found out somethings about me. What he didn’t tell me , I found out in the most unusual circumstances the next day.U

In my family home,it is our custom to be called for family prayer in the morning in the living room. This was done before any one was allowed to go out. So while we were at our early morning prayer the next morning  as a family, there was a knock at the door.It was about 6am It was  strange and after permission from my mother, I went  to see who was at the  door and was surprised to be met by a lady. She requested to see  Grace but my mum had quickly intervened and asked that she come in and wait in the dining area while we finished our prayers.

This lady eventually had her chance to speak and stated that she came to beg me to please leave her home. That ever since her fiancé/boyfriend came home the previous night,he had been talking about one  Dr Grace he met. Obviously this made her feel insecure. She was a live-in girlfriend who was obviously hoping that things would hit the altar.

I was shocked but did not even have to tell her anything. My mother put her fears to rest  and advised her that she was mistaken .and had no need to come and plead with me not to break her home. She thanked my mother and left.

It was later my mother told me that the reason why she asked her to come into the house and have the door locked was so as to prevent her from doing anything dangerous like pouring acid on me and running away !I was amazed that my mum could think so but knows what the woman had seen in her own days.

.Accepting the fact that a relationship has not worked is one step to the necessary healing. It is also okay to grieve about what could have been  but this must no go on forever .

Taking time to also look inwardly to search ourselves for whatever way we may have contributed into the death of the dream is also another step. Absolving ourselves from al responsibility by saying it was a toxic relationship could be an easy way out because if these people were toxic , it is possible that we ignored the warning signs.

Sometimes on-going communication with an ex is necessary because children or even work is involved .This should be done respectfully without the need to badmouth the ex in frnt of the children or work colleagues . Guaranteed some people make it another living hell but  we can share our frustrations  with a friend.

Most importantly I think  the way we see and define ourselves would be reflected on how we treat  our ex-es. If we love ourselves for who we are, e will appreciate that the treasure of the love of our heart should only be shared by people who equally appreciate us . But If our definition of self is not complete without a relationship, seeing an ex in a new relationship while we  are not may bring unnecessary pain and sometimes may become the incentive of getting into another  yet crazy relationship.

Almost all relationship experts and counsellors would advise sometime off relationships after a breakup. Jumping into another relationship almost always backfires We must love ourselves enough to take this much needed break because even our hearts need a break  sometimes to become healthy again to be able to love fully without being prone to yet another heartbreak and acquire the name Ex” unnecessarily again.

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