Today is the International Men’s Day and it is quite interesting the responses I got trying to remind people yesterday in various WhatsApp groups I belong to. While I got some positive response from the women folk this year, re-echoing and advising that we should honour the men, some of the men folk voiced out their suspicion as to the agenda behind the International Men’s day . It was more like what exactly do you women want this time, organizing a day for us
Unfortunately again(this happened last year during the International Men’s day week ) ,this week I have been sent 2 different clips of men who killed their wives and my heart still bleeds for the lives that have been lost needlessly as well as the children who have been rendered motherless but one thing I can tell you for free is that there is hardly any man who killed his wife who had not beaten her previously . One of the stories was about a Pastor who married a prophetess. Apparently since they were working in the same line of ministry , they would probably have felt the relationship woulf work but relationships work when both parties work at it.
While I am an advocate for marriage, I will be the first person to advise people to remove themselves safely from any violent situation. It is never worth it and research has shown that domestic abuse almost always escalates unless there is some form of intervention.
Sometimes it does not have to be cold-blooded murder but the actions of one spouse against the other can lead to death, the death of a dream or even their passion because continually, we have pulled down their self worth /esteem with our words Unfortunately, most of the abuse people encounter are non-physical but equally as damaging. There is no form of abuse that is acceptable but sometimes an abusive person may stem from an environment where emotions were stifled and buried emotions eventually show up.
So why were some of the men feeling so undeserving of a day to be celebrated and not wanting to be acknowledged by others , especially as it pertains to their family life and not work ?
Could it be that it all sometimes boils down to the way men are expected to behave.Right from when they are young, society does not allow them to express all of their emotions, especially when it comes to crying .There seems to be an unwritten code of expected behaviour and so when a little boy falls down and attempts to cry , he is told not to cry , or perhaps be a man .
Why do we see most cases of domestic abuse being perpetuated by men and even when they are the victims, we still find them unable to open up? Most times, it is because we have not allowed them to express themselves fully in healthy ways. After many years of this moulding resulting in the suppression of most of their emotions, why do we suddenly expect that being in love or married will be a magic wand that will now make the men open up . This soetimes is the cause of frustration for most women but understanding that there is a need to unlearn and learn would bring the necessary patience required for this to happen .
I think if we want our men to be the men of our dreams, we should start with our little boys and allow them to express their emotions without a need to conform. Rather than stifling them from crying when they hurt or gaslighting them by saying what they are upset about is not a big deal, we can acknowledge their emotions and help them to work through them .No emotion is wrong or right but we can all be taught to express them correctly in ways that are healthy and with respect for others.
So I am signing off now but would like to say a big Happy International Men’s Day to all of our Men and if we want these days to be filled with happy memories, our boys and girls should be given the same liberty to express their emotions. We should let the boys be.