Last week’s article was thought provoking as the writer shared her heart out and although I am grateful that a lot of people were able to identify with her, I was pained that the experience was not an uncommon one. I have began to ask myself what can we do, or rather what can I do to make sure that people are in their homes and are happy. Perhaps one of the ways to help will be to discourage people from getting involved in setting up homes that are doomed for disaster before they get married .This is because sometimes the decision to marry itself might be a bad compromise.
As i look at the word compromise i can almost say that I am not unfamiliar with it. Not due to the frequency of the usage of the word , but what it represented was implied at almost every possible occasion. Sometimes it came as plain old advice, sometimes in the form of a novel and most times , it was in form of a drama.. The message of compromise was instilled into us as we grew with a greater emphasis on the dangers of pre-marital sex.
“Read your books and boys will come later”
“Don’t allow anyone spoil your life”
it appeared then that the lines were clearly drawn and we knew what was expected of us. This discipline guided myself and a group of friends in our new faith and so I was shocked when one of us became pregnant shortly after we left high school.
I don’t know how to explain that but suffice me to say that when another friend received the news at home, she burst into tears while her family members mocked her. She was convinced that our friend must was have been a victim of rape(i was already an undergraduate before i knew the meaning of that word) .But eventually, we got to know better and had to deal with the aftermath of our friend’s decisions.
As for me, that singular event made a lasting impression . I knew she was dating someone but i never imagined that it could ever happen.my conclusion was that this demon associated with this act must have come and overtaken them (at least that was the excuse a lot of people gave then ) .I took a vow.i would never allow the demon get me and before the day i would consider it to think of it getting me, then I choose to die instead and if someone else wants to force the demon on me then that person would have to die .i was bound by the oath and felt relieved then but confess I now know better.
Several years later another friend became pregnant and married before it became obvious to all. After sometime, it seemed I was no longer getting shocked at the news again. It was almost becoming one of those things and as we have grown older and people have become wiser, it appears that the incidence of pregnancy is decreasing not because of inactivity but because preventive measures are in place. People are encouraged to play it safe and it is no longer a rarity to have a minor and her parent in the
consulting room confirm that their child is on contraceptive pills! As the years have gone by and the need for people to change their marital status, I have sadly seen people begin to lower their standards. I have also had to carefully watch myself and allow my actions be scrutinized by a few trusted friends to ensure that I am not doing the same.
Some singles have been deceived into the path of illicit sex to either prove their love or secure their marital position. Some others may not technically do something but engage in activities that they are ashamed of.
I sometimes want to believe that if this takes the consent of two people, then the two people may have to agree before hand on the limits and boundaries of their relationship. It is better to have a talk without the heat of passion where boundaries and checks are put in place with measures on how to achieve and maintain them. Consequences of what would be done if these boundaries are crossed should also be fully defined as one of the major reasons people go down that path again and again is secrecy and the guilt that follows.
If our standards are broken and we are able to come to some sort of open about them to a trusted individual admitting our struggles, it is less likely they would be repeated.
But we do not need to go all the lengths before we begin to compromise, sometimes merely choosing to date someone is compromise. We know that the person is a joker but sometimes in a bid not to appear boo less , we make a wrong choice. I remember chatting with an old classmate who had changed her status to “engaged” on facebook to save face. That in itself is compromise .
What of the compromise of not doing things for yourself so as not to scare men away ?I am glad that myth has been largely debulked and we have people who are single and own their own houses ,are on the top of the ladder on the cooperate world or even in faith communities.
If we are ever going to avoid bad compromise, then it is pertinent t draw the lines and fully decide our standards based on our values and so it will be easier to recognize when we are slipping away.
We should not settle for less in a bid to fit into the society, it is best for us to remain our authentic self , allowing our decisions to be based on what we know is true and right.
Happy Good Friday ,
.Dishusbandmata……passionate about relationships
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