I had looked forward to being a wife so much so that it seemed being one
was an end in itself. I never really saw myself as anything more than a
working wife and mother. Somewhere along the way, I put a glass ceiling on
any type of ambition and fulfilling my personal dreams which are not linked
to anyone else. I stopped dreaming full stop. It was as if I no longer
existed. There were a few false attempts but I seemed to always chug to a
stop content to continue the daily cycle of work and house chores.
If I had not married when I did, I would have been waiting and waiting for
it to happen with everything at a standstill. So it came as a surprise
when it happened that discontent became my norm after a while. It was not
that I was unhappy (I had my moments). It was that marriage did not seem
enough! If only I could have a baby, (mine took a while to come) I thought
all would be perfect. Life was at a standstill to a large extent as
everything revolved around ttc (trying to conceive). Then I had 2 in the
space of 3 years.
Life got even busier. You learn to just keep going. You wake up, do the
chores, go to work, back home more chores and then fall in bed an exhausted
heap at the end of the day. My mum was a saint!! She had eight kids and
kept it together!!! By now, I am battling the bulge, clear white eyes seem
a thing of the past and I try to ignore the greys every time I look in the
mirror (I am not even old), a number of things fall by the way side as life
continues, a relentless cycle. I still don’t feel like it is enough. Now
I know I was made for more.
Where is the time to do anything more? What am I doing anyway? Then I
hear a still small whisper saying go to the left and to the right…. Just
when I thought I had discovered all I was created to be, He spoke and I am
happy that I have something new to do, I know it will make a difference –
going along the way of His leading going to the left and to the right.
A friend shared a post on Facebook, ‘Fear hesitates but faith leaps – Smith
I wish I knew that I did not have to mark time whilst waiting. I wish I knew enough to always focus on capacity building whilst waiting. Life is in phases and I hope someone reading this article will learn to enjoy each phase as it comes. Face the future with faith, leap into the
new and exciting or enjoy moments of being on the same spot. Before you
know it, you will find yourself looking back with nostalgia tinged with
regret. The moments you lived through that you should have allowed
yourself to enjoy. Whilst I look forward to the new, I pray to live
mindfully, being thankful and enjoying every phase of life.
Dishusbandmata……..passionate about relationships
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