I met my husband at my church convention, one of the biggest ministries in Africa. We served in the same unit and got talking. We became friends and later o,n he proposed. I was 36 years and I was already anxious because all my five sisters got married in their mid-twenties, the one considered to have gotten married late was 29 and it was because she was studying for her masters. My husband was into dry cleaning business and after a while, the business packed up. I wasn’t deterred, I was confident things would work, I had my plans laid out. I was running a side business because where I worked closed shop.
My family were happy for me and because of our financial status, they decided to forgo a lot of cultural demands to help us. I paid for my mother in-law trip to Lagos, it was her first time in Lagos. The clothes she wore on our engagement and wedding ceremonies were all provided by myself. My hubby did not contribute a dime to our wedding, I paid for everything because God raised help for me. It was such a mistake.
He moved into my one room bedsitter with me, his mum stayed with us for about a week after we got married. Trouble started two weeks after the wedding when he wanted us to go to my sister to collect the money we received as gifts on our wedding day, I had given the money to my sister because I had plans to get another apartment because I didn’t want to give room to gossip in my neighbourhood about my hubby moving in with me. I told him it was too early and he agreed but by the third time he asked I told him I had no intention of collecting the money as I was looking for more to add because I wanted us to get another apartment. he was against us leaving the apartment but I was adamant. I got enough money and we moved to a one bedroom apartment. At this time my small business had dried up so we practically were starving at home. My brother and his wife started helping out but the lazy bum I married never did anything to alleviate our situation rather he anxiously waited for the handouts from my brother.
Four months after our wedding, I started bleeding, my period started lasting 15 days. I lost so much weight, I didn’t have the money to go to a doctor so I suffered in silence. My husband became very abusive emotionally and verbally. He punched me once. He said I tricked him into marrying him, I knew I had a sickness little wonder my family members gave me out for free because they wanted me off their hands. We stopped having sex. He would leave home without informing. He later got a job that lasted just three months, in those three months he never gave me a dime.
He told me I had a loose screw if I thought he would feed me, that how would a master degree holder be jobless. From all indications, he had thought I was a meal ticket, a solution to his laziness. He often told me to go and ask my siblings for money especially my two elder brothers because they are quite comfortable. Eight months after we got married, I left on a prolonged journey to see my sister in the east to seek help for my condition using herbs because I could not afford a doctor. I went to see my in-laws who lived in the east too to explain everything. It was there I got to know a lot of things about my husband.
Long story short, I never went back to my house. My hubby never called to ask how i was faring. His grouse being that he believed I hid the issue of bleeding from him, he called me the “woman with the issue of blood” once during our fight. He thought it was the bleeding issue that made me not to be married as at when we met. He never believed the bleeding started after we got married, My sisters believe I got whatever from him because the bleeding started after our wedding. He only called me once to tell me our one year rent had expired and I should look for money to pay the rent. I was grieved, what insensitivity. He didn’t want to be with me but he wanted me to keep paying the rent to keep up appearance so people wont laugh at me for not being able to stay married. That singular act made up my mind for me.
It’s been three years now, I am still healing physically and emotionally. I don’t know where my husband is. My brothers invited him twice to a meeting in which he insulted them . They got so mad and told him they will stand by whatever decision I make.
In retrospect I guess i was in a hurry to be married, I didn’t take time to get to know him. I didn’t take note of the red flags like him not having any plans on how to go about providing for the family while I spun elaborate plans of how I hoped to generate income when we got married. When a man isn’t financially stable, please sisters don’t spoon feed him, let him take responsibility. He fed fat on my desperation and if not for the bleeding part we would have still be married with me paying the bills. If a man has no plans on how to take care of you,please run..
Because I felt time was passing by,the day someone showed interest in me I was shocked, I thought I was tainted that no man would want me and so did not want to miss the offer .But now, I have made a resolution that when I fully recover, I would remarry but this time with my eyes wide open. I will never marry a man with my money, I thought I could buy love but I was wrong.
In Few Words,
PS:A friend tried to show me the foolishness of my doing everything finanacially in the relationship but I did not listen, I really wished I had,and after sometime she left me to my own devices. She had not yet even sown the aso-ebi for my wedding when my marriage broke up.
Aso-ebi means same material usually bought for a ceremony
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