Rich Uncle, Poor Uncle
Happy second half of the Year. How time flies, it was just a little while ago that we were saying “Happy New Year” to each other. Earlier on last month , I saw the topic for this month and was wondering what to write since we were to talk about the journey from proposal to marriage( I am currently single-not for long though).
Well, it is not every proposal that receives a positive answer that eventually gets to the altar. Somehow along the way, there are several things that may truncate the process and unfortunately some people get disappointed and become disillusioned when a courtship eventually does not work forgetting that one of the purposes of courtship is to ensure that a marriage is not unnecessarily contracted. I am big on commitment but I believe that there are times when it may be necessary to severe a relationship.
While I was in the university, I remember an announcement and invitation in my home church just before I left for school one semester concerning a wedding of a lady in the church I barely knew. When I returned home for holidays , I asked my sister how the wedding went and she told me that the wedding did not hold. I inquired why and she told me that the girl’s uncle whom she grew up under had called off the wedding because of the way her fiancé had behaved. The lady and her fiancé had gone to the market to do their wedding shopping and were making a choice of the fabric to choose for their traditional wedding. Unfortunately, it appeared that they did not reach an agreement. The guy in particular obviously felt his opinion and word should be law and became very angry as the lady did not agree with his choice of fabric for the occasion. and right there in the market, his temper flared and he slapped his fiancée. That singular action cost him the marriage. The girl’s uncle insisted that if he could slap her over the choice of fabric in the market place, what else would he do in the house in private. He refused any further wedding plans and the wedding was called off.
I must confess that then I was naive, I can remember thinking that the Uncle was quite harsh, was it because she was not his birth daughter ,how could he have dashed her hopes like that but today several years down the line and seeing so much craziness that happen in people’s marriages which in most cases could have been prevented, I applaud this Uncle’s decision. If a guy a few weeks to your wedding can slap you in public, then there is a need to consider seriously if going ahead is the next step. I am not saying totally call off the wedding but there might be a need for some soul-searching counselling.
I know of another friend who was being abused in depths I cannot tell by her husband. Unfortunately orphaned by her extremely wealthy parents, she reached out to her uncle for counsel and his reply was that it was more honourable to die in an abusive marriage than to carry the stigma of being divorced. I wonder if he could have said so to his own daughter and that is just one example of the wrong counsel that gets given to people who are victims of abuse. Sometimes in the church, we turn the counsel to the need to endure This week my Pastor said something quite profound which I echoed again on Facebook and on Twitter.-“Domestic abuse is not a cross”. It is not possible to continue being abused and live life fully fulfilled and everyone has a right to be loved and treated with respect. Something about those who abuse love to control and make the abused feel that it is their fault and that they are not worthy of love.As far as I am concerned, if you think you do not want a relationship anymore, then leave. Shikena or maybe I should use church language, Selah!
Just this week, a high-ranking Briton in the middle East confessed to killing his wife by throwing a hammer at her during a row! He initially claimed that she was murdered by burglars but after the forensic reports and further interrogation, he gave the truth eventually but now claimed it was an accident. I do not know how to express how angry I became but I can put all my money on the fact that this was definitely not the first time abuse was taking place in this home. I mean, how exactly do you throw a hammer at someone else during a row?. He has been married to his late wife for thirty two years and their only child is supposed to be graduating this July. This is just another sad example of the horrors of domestic abuse and who knows how many people this lady may have reached out to over the years concerning her situation.It is not always easy for someone experiencing abuse to open up but when they do, we should try and reaffirm them and may sometimes need to lovingly point them to seek counsel..
And perhaps you are reading this and have found yourself in the unfortunate position of being the abuser (several forces may have contributed to it ), one of which maybe growing up in a dysfunctional home, do not be afraid to call for help because that is what you need and if you really care about the people you claim to love then you need to get the help you need, No excuses.
Once again, I beg of you , domestic abuse is real , comes in several forms and does escalate and before it gets to the point of murder like the case of this high profile executive I cited earlier on, seek help!
Have a great Weekend,
Ps: The war against domestic abuse is one we at “dishusbandmata” take very seriously &if you want to learn more about what we are doing about it, feel free to contact me.
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Very nicely written article my sister. I have over the years developed a zero tolerance attitude to domestic abuse especially physical abuse. Too many great and godly people have been damaged and even killed for not to be sensitive to this issue. We need to change the culture of silence especially among the Afrocarribean community. Kudos and keep up the good work!