I cannot believe it is the first Friday in November. It just feels like it was yesterday we were wishing each other “Happy New Year” and then the month of February came. I am not sure how that month went for you and your significant other but for me, I remember it with dismay.
Yes, it was the lover’s month but I must confess I did not get a card this last Valentine which ironically is also my birth month. Come to think of it, I am not sure I even received one last year or even the year before that. I am not sure if it is something that my husband has put into a box labelled “no longer necessary” but this was definitely not the picture I had in mind walking down the altar several years ago. It was the sweetest and shortest walk of my life and I think the months of this year have gone that fast too. Walking down the altar with my dad looking the proudest I have ever seen him was priceless. It was a dream come true for me as I eventually felt I would now enter the full world of being a woman.
I had several fantasies and confess that I am still comparing my fantasies while single, to my current reality. In fantasy world (the few times I actually allowed my mind to wander), I always imagined what making love would really be like. Yes, it should involve sex, but my thoughts didn’t focus on the act, but the wonderful hunk who would create this amazing experience with me. Reality has shown that while I have my Hunk, his ways are not always aligned with my ways. There are days in which my husband has a need to be selfish. Honestly, I don’t always mind this. It is sometimes exhilarating to feel that I am meeting a need which no one else in the entire universe is allowed to meet – and I do it ever so well if I say so myself. But I can’t remember the last time my husband tried to woo me, or actually flirt with me, talk less of experiencing a romantic moment. Life happens, or so they say.
I was a complete novice in this business when I got married. I remember my husband muttering to himself how he felt cheated because I wasn’t as ‘hot’ as he had imagined I would be. I was just trying to understand what this sex thing that I had been dying for was all about. The earth didn’t quite shatter, and I didn’t fly to the moon. I didn’t even feel like making any sounds at all. I even started to wonder if I was ok. Why wasn’t I reacting the way I hoped I would? I read books. I spoke to a few married friends but I didn’t get much out of them because no one really wants to tell you they are not quite meeting the mark in the bedroom department. I then decided to analyze every step of the process to see what my issue was.
I noticed that sex usually happened when my husband wanted it. I then had to ask myself why I didn’t want it as often as he did. Hubby would go out really early. I was not working so I would be half asleep when he left. He would leave without saying a word to me, and I sort of expected at the very least, a goodbye peck on the cheek, lips or forehead. I would get up, shower, watch TV, apply for jobs, watch more TV, eat, cook, take a walk, shower and then be almost ready for bed – when hubby would come back from work. We would exchange a few words and he would shower and eat, then go on his laptop, while I would go to bed. He would eventually join me, and without words, I was expected to be switched on. I eventually realised that this method was not working for me and I tried to convey my frustration to my husband. I told him that I wanted to hear how much he had been thinking of me during the day because it would help me respond better at night, but he wanted to show me what he was thinking instead. It was a serious tug-of-war over those first few months. Then there was the added annoyance of not reaching a climax yet.
I took this issue to God and I told him it wasn’t fair. I watched my husband time after time, quickly reach his climax and fall asleep. I would be left wondering how I was meant to handle my frustrated libido without a cold shower. I’m a married woman for crying out loud! I can’t say God gave me a direct answer but I just felt that God’s plans for me are good, and those plans just have to include a very happy and fulfilling sex life for both my husband and me, within our own marriage.
I then bravely asked my husband one day, if there was something he would like me to change or improve on. He said he wanted me to participate. It seemed ridiculous at first, I then realised that he was doing most of the work during sex. I expected him to know more simply because he was the man. I also somehow expected him to meet both our needs. After our chat, I spent some time thinking about how I would be ‘active’ during the ‘act of marriage’. I bought some arsenal specifically for this department. I then went to visit a friend who I could be a little vulnerable with Armed with all these, I waited for my husband. He had to make some changes to his working hours as well, which gave us more time together. There was a significant improvement.
Firstly, I experienced my first climax four months after marriage. To my surprise, my husband was really excited about this. I thought he wasn’t bothered about my satisfaction but I realised he really does have trouble expressing what is really going on in his head.
Once that happened, I was chasing the guy. I keep my eyes on the clock and as soon as I knew he would be back, I would dress for battle and my Hubby was loving it. He even started to beg me to slow down, and he is still begging. While I worked on what he felt was a weakness on my part, my husband is yet to give me the words I yearn for. Words that came so easily during courtship are just so hard to say these days. I keep praying for him and reminding him once in a while that I still have a need that is yet to be met. But isn’t that part of what marriage is all about? Working towards perfection
A while ago, Gracilis mentioned the book “Sex begins in the kitchen ” While I am not completely crazy about my husband cooking with me, I do appreciate him speaking to me while I cook, acknowledging that I am his partner and not his maid. I miss being wooed. I miss flirting with my husband. Then again, have I left it all to him to do?
And if you have just gotten married, please do not waste time as I did. Rather than having many unmet expectations in the bedroom department, speak to your spouse about it and reading a good book always helps. Keep the lines of communication flowing so that there would be no need for anyone to be withholding (I told you I hate the term manipulation).
Maybe I’ll do some flirting tonight…… I want this romance badly, I need this special attention but I am tired having spent the whole day with my toddlers, A little bit of love is all it takes, all I need, the sex in my house has to be fulfilling and romantic.