This has not been an easy article to write mainly because its not cool talking about mistakes and regrets. I personally prefer to erase them from my history but alas, that’s not possible. It is also not fun to talk about a painful experience when you are still suffering the effects of your mistake. I have a list the length of my arm about all the things I blame my husband for. And to be fair, he probably is to blame for more than half the list! But I also have to look at my faults and make plans to conquer temptation, when it comes knocking again.
For example, my prayer life. I have firmly blamed both God and my husband for my dwindling prayer life since marriage. I had a pretty steady rapport with God before I got married, and our relationship seriously intensified during the months leading to my wedding day. However, the image I had of marriage and what my prayer life would be as a wife is a far cry from the reality. I had hoped to pray with my husband and build our family altar, as well as continue with my personal altar. My husband didn’t have the same picture in mind – so there was no family altar. When I sat to do my own prayers, I was too upset with God. We had talked about this during courtship and it came up in every counselling session, so why in God’s name would he not want to pray with me!? Infact, upset is putting my feelings very mildly.
I’ve tried really hard to attend every service I can as church seems to be the only place I can still pray properly. After a couple of years, I felt like a hypocrite when attempting to pray at home. I talk to God everyday for various reasons, but the whole ‘personal fellowship’ thing was really not happening for me. However, as 2017 was ending I had to admit to myself that I have been absolutely lazy and God has remained faithful. I have four bibles lying in every room, plus all the versions on my phone, but bible reading has been almost completely non-existent. You know when your Pastor says “… there are some Christians who don’t even read their bibles…”, sometimes I wonder what he would tell me if he knew I was one of them – and I have to minister in church!!! I have been living on my reserve tank for over a year and I have received serious warnings that my engine will completely fail (in public if I am not careful) if I don’t start replenishing the stock. These are reserves that were built from children’s Sunday school and secondary school fellowships more than ten years ago. So as part of my goals for this year, I need to fill my spiritual stock again so that I don’t experience a Samson moment.
Another thing I blame my Husband for is my general appearance. Okay just hear me out. I have heard all the warnings concerning how women let themselves go once they are married and I promised I would never be one of those women, but lately I am ashamed to say I have done things I never thought I will do, such as wearing wigs for months, and not getting my nails done. So why do I blame my husband? I used to be very particular about my hair and nails. Whenever I get my hair done, I get complements naturally. About a year after marriage, I noticed my husband stopped complementing my hair-do. I would ask why and his response would be nonchalant. I would then wonder if the style was bad or something, then I go out and receive serious complements. As a married woman, this became a serious issue. Yes, I love receiving complements, but when other men are saying what my husband should be saying, but is not saying ……hmmmmmm. I don’t want unnecessary trouble. So, in the last year, I didn’t bother as much. Same thing with my nails. Guys and girls would notice, but my husband will not see, yet these were things he noticed during courtship. So as not to complicate issues in the home, and maybe to work within the current budget, I have paid little attention to these things that were a major part of my life. No, I didn’t add weight as well, just in case you were wondering.
As for my dressing, there is no where to go, so why do I need to dress up? We don’t go to the cinema, we don’t go out for meals, or even a drive. I currently work from home so where am I dressing up to? Maybe all these issues seem like an act of rebellion and you wouldn’t be far from the truth if you were thinking along those lines, but NO MORE! As of now, I have planned my hair styles for the next 6 months and I know God will provide. I can’t help that I am fearfully and wonderfully made so please allow me, enough is enough.
I am apologising to my husband, for the blame game I have been playing, though there is no play in these matters. Marriage is an equal partnership with a leader. I can’t hold my darling husband responsible for my relationship with God or any other issue I have on the planet. This year I intend to grab life by the horns and make things happen. I pray that my family altar will improve so that my children see praying together as normal. I pray that my husband will meet my need for appreciation so that when temptation comes, I will overcome easily, and I pray for all the other issues on my list, that as I give God his rightful place in my life, He will indeed make all things beautiful. This year, the blame game ends for me. What about you?
Dishusbandmata…….passionate about relationships