There are a lot of things that God has given us the ability to plan and carry out ourselves, but there are some things that God has left to His Sovereignty. While we are aware that there are times and season for certain things to take place, the exact timing of most events in our lives is something only the Father knows.
I had a plan. I knew when I wanted to get married and when I wanted to have children, taking into account my age and physical fitness. I got married 4 years after my personal schedule, but I still wanted to wait a few months before starting the process of bringing another human being into the world. My husband and I disagreed on birth control methods, and well-meaning advice from certain people did not help us at all! People said ‘Don’t do family planning! What if you can’t have children afterwards?’ That may apply in some cases – I really don’t know; but that was not the promise I believed God had given me. So, we took out a few months to be husband and wife, before thinking about being parents.
When I didn’t get pregnant within 3 months of trying, my husband blamed our family planning and me. I was so hurt… I can’t actually express what that did to me. I knew a child would come and I was not anxious but with my husband’s remarks, I had to get on my knees and cry out to God for mercy. I got pregnant the following month and to be completely honest, the major thought on my mind was “…at least people will shut up now I am pregnant.” I was due for my first scan when I had a little spotting. At exactly 11weeks, I had a miscarriage. My husband was away at the time but my mother just happened to be with me that day. I remember sitting on the toilet as what was left of my pregnancy passed out of me in huge clots. My mother just walked around the room singing praises to God – that Woman is amazing!!! I also remember thinking “…this was not how I wanted my mom to meet her first grandchild…”. I sat on that toilet for over an hour, then an ambulance came and took me to the hospital. I was told everything was out so I didn’t need an evacuation – thank God. I spent the night in hospital and my husband came while I was there. I remember apologising to him – as if it was my fault, but that was the first thing I said when I saw him. Again, I didn’t actually identify with what was going on, as my in-laws had already blamed me for losing the child. I was a little numb for a short while and then I carried on. My husband’s main concern was for me and my health and I thank precious friends who took the time to come and visit us and encourage us in a unique way.
Again, advice started coming. “Don’t wait, start trying again immediately. What if you wait and then nothing happens?” A friend told me to get the book “Supernatural Childbirth”. God bless you richly for recommending that book to me. I read it really quickly and then started to study it. Within 3 months I was pregnant again. I read it every month of my pregnancy. This one was different. I was excited at this precious privilege. It wasn’t about producing a child for my husband or meeting family expectations or letting society know that I am truly a woman, or any other interesting reason people come up with. As my child started to grow within me and new levels of joy were attained, I realised what I had missed out on earlier. It was then I truly mourned the child I had lost. I almost did not acknowledge that I was pregnant before.
I hadn’t heard of this experience before as most people seem to go through a process where the child is so real to the woman but not to the man. I’ve always been unique anyway. I cried properly for the brother or sister my currently baby did not get to meet. I apologized to God for focusing on the wrong things and not truly appreciating the gift He gave me.
Why I lost the child, I really don’t know. There was no medical reason. According to my scan, the pregnancy was not more than six week – yet I was ten weeks at the time of the scan. So at the time when we told our families and there was great rejoicing, my baby had already gone back to God. My siblings mourned more than I did at the loss of that baby. When I told them I was pregnant again, they were almost afraid to celebrate. I looked at my growing tummy and I spoke to my child saying “all your days, you will be celebrated. You will bring joy to those who come in contact with you. What the Devil meant for evil, the Lord has turned to outstanding good!”
I had an enviable pregnancy and childbirth was …interesting. My child is a bundle of joy. My child makes me proud to be a mother. I have been a mother to many children long before I got married or gave birth, and as many of us are still basking in the beautiful things that happened as we celebrated Mother’s Day last weekend, Remember it is not just about a day or special days rather whatever season you are in, Celebrate who you are as a woman. You are worth it.
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