Tall,Dark &Handsome

It is interesting how those three words have been used over the years to judge the eligibility of a potential spouse. Unfortunately, some individuals only have these three characteristics and nothing else to offer! Some heartbreaks and even divorces could have been avoided if it was not just the externals that the partners were focused on.

So, when I was in the dating scene, I preferred to chat with people first because I did not want to miss out of a great relationship just because a potential did not look the pact.  One incident comes to mind. A female friend of mine introduced me to this guy. Let us call him Kola because he is a Yoruba chap (some of my friends thought I would end up marrying a Yoruba guy as I always seemed to have one Yoruba guy around the corner).

Ok so this Kola and I got talking and conversation was difficult, sometimes I felt he was too opinionated but the major issue I had with this guy was with his grammar. I am not exaggerating when I say almost every sentence had an issue! I mean if the first sentence had no grammatical error, the other will have. I could not fathom how he used tenses so wrongly. I mean before you crucify me, I grew up in a household where we pride ourselves in the Queen’s English, writing and speaking English was the norm. So, it was quite a different ball game with this guy. Just imagine trying to have a conversation and half the time you are correcting the grammar in your head. And he was educated with a master’s degree here in the United Kingdom. I remember calling a friend and asking if I was being choosy and she tried to suggest ways to help but eventually agreed with me that it was a hard nut to crack, especially as this guy had a posture that was far from learning.

We continued chatting until one day we eventually decided to meet up, and he came to visit. I still remember his taxi arriving just in front of my house. I was looking from the bedroom upstairs, and I kid you not, this guy was handsome, I mean in every definition of the word handsome and that really pained me. How can a guy as fine as this not be able to speak English properly? That day I thanked God for my parents for sending  us to a good nursery and primary school and insisting we spoke good English.

It may not have been a big deal for some people but for me, it was a no-no. Communication is a key ingredient for a healthy relationship and if our primary mode of communication was laden with difficulties, it would be difficult to navigate the waters. I think it  is important that we do not allow the externals cloud our decisions, especially with non-negotiables. Could I have done something to help? I am not sure he would have received it kindly.  I have a friend who was in that situation, and she got the guy to register for some English improvement and phonetic classes which he did. He became so good and even began correcting her, but the relationship did not eventually progress into marriage and not every relationship should.

I have also had the opportunity of joining several groups for single matured people. From time to time, we have conversations of what people truly want. In almost every of those meetings, one of the first most desirable quality ladies wanted in a man was “kindness”. Being TDH was not a straight passport anymore. I believe it is the wisdom of age and experience that has taught the mature single group that it is the inner qualities that will pass the test of time.

Apart from the physical looks, there could be some other externals we may be using erroneously to judge a potential relationship and sometimes a mindset shift is needed. Sometimes we need to ask ourselves honest and uncomfortable questions like why must be partner be tall? How important is this in the scale of time?

So, when it comes to choosing the right person, it must be more than the externals. We must start to look beneath the surface and the packaging. Saying yes should not just be because he is tall, dark &handsome.